Chopsticks
by Ratt9
Summary: A crackfic collection. What happens when L gets a chopstick stuck in his mouth? And why is Watari trying to kill people with an axe? Will L and Light manage to not kill each other long enough to be able to send Justin Bieber to his death?


Hey guys! Yes, I know. Another story. But I'm trying to eventually achieve writing 100 (or more) stories for Fanfiction, and Death Note is soooo fun to write fanfics for! –w- I _am _still working on The Contest of Deep Dark Secrets. I just have a bit of writer's block, as well as a few major problems trying to convince my laptop to stay on without shutting down randomly. I WILL get the next chapter to you soon, though. 

Also…recently I randomly got an idea for a feature that I would be able to put to use in the Author's Note, and I would love to have your guys' opinions of it. Anyone who has ever written an at least averagely popular story (or maybe even an unpopular story) on Fanfiction should know how things work-The story always gets the most views for the first couple of days or so, while it's still being featured on the first or second pages. However, after that, stories begin to start losing readers (regardless of its success) unless said story is updated and once again featured on the first page. That being said, oneshots and completed multi-chapter stories are often out of luck. So I was thinking...what if, upon request, I advertised peoples' fanfics in Author's Notes?

So, I've decided to give it a try. **If you want one of your Death Note fanfics advertised**, (preferably in a review rather than a Private Message) just write down the: : :

Story Title; Your Penname (if you are submitting the review as anonymous); Rating; Story Summary **(Can be as long or as short as you want it to be, and it can say anything you want as long as it has at least something to do with your story and what it's about)**; & Genre(s) **(the genres don't have to be restricted to Fanfiction's genre listings)**. 

Now, before I ramble any more, enjoy!

The chaos—or, more appropriately, _madness_—that had resulted in L and Light both standing on the edge of the Kira HQ's rooftop, lone figures in the night, staring down into the seemingly endless dark void, lit only by the flashing cars and traffic lights below, had all been induced by a single chopstick.

The two men faced each other, solemn looks on their faces. "Well, it looks like this is the end," one of the men—Light—said.

"So it would seem," the detective replied.

"In that case…Let us disperse."

_: : :A SHORT TIME EARLIER: : :_

L sat at the computer, having fun shoving a broken chopstick into his mouth sideways and holding it in between both his cheeks.

Why L was doing this, Light wasn't sure.

"That stick is going to get stuck in your mouth," Light warned the detective, "and then you'll be sorry."

"First of all," L replied, "This is not a stick. It is a chopstick. I would not be putting a stick in my mouth, like a dog. And second of all, I am too skilled at this for the chopstick to possibly get stuck in my mouth." He inserted it in between the two sides of his mouth once more.

"You're going to end up with splinters," Light warned again in a bored tone of voice. "Splinters in your _mouth_." He put emphasis on the word as if to scare the man handcuffed to him.

"Light-kun is mistaken. You can't get splinters from doing this if you do it correctly. I'm doing it correctly, by the way. In any case, I've done this plenty of times."

As if that helped his case.

"Ryuzaki, I'm not sure I even want to know_ why _you have done this plenty of times," Light mumbled.

"It's a rather fun way to cure boredom."

"Curing boredom by shoving a stick inside your mouth?" Light didn't understand how something like that could possibly amuse someone.

"It's called a chopstick, Light-kun. And though I wouldn't exactly phrase it quite in those words…yes, I am curing boredom by shoving a stick…" L paused, correcting himself, "_chopstick _inside my mouth."

"And you say it's perfectly safe?" Light questioned doubtfully.

"Indeed."

"Whatever you say."

Everything was quiet for a few minutes while the two men stared at their computer screens, looking at some footage related to the Kira Case. It was around midnight, and the rest of the task force were all asleep at one of the tables in the kitchen, all with their heads resting in their bowls of Cheerios and milk.

Raito didn't quite understand the reason for that one, either.

All of a sudden, L's voice broke the silence.

"Lahgoon."

"Lagoon? What about a lagoon?" Light asked, confused, but not bothering to look away from his computer screen.

"Lah-GOONT!" ["Light-kun"]

"Eh?" Light grudgingly turned to L, only to discover that he had managed to get the broken chopstick stuck inside his mouth. "…_Nice_ _going, detective_."

"Hut ugh ["Shut up"]."

"I can't understand a word you're saying, Ryuzaki. Hang on…" Light dashed out of the room and shook Matsuda awake.

"Matsuda!" Light cried, "do you know how to speak in the language of Stupid Mistakes? !"

"Uh…what?" Matsuda blinked and pulled his head out of the cereal and milk bowl.

"I can't understand what Ryuzaki is saying. He has a stick in his mouth," Light explained.

"Like a dog?" Matsuda asked, dazed from being woken up.

"Yes, exactly. ^ ^ Do you think you can understand him?"

"Definitely! I'd love to help!" Matsuda exclaimed.

"Excellent."

Matsuda and Light returned to the room where the computers were. Ryuzaki was looking through some drawers.

"What are you doing?" Light asked him.

"Ark dare heriously hoe enns ing hiss hekaka?" ["Are there seriously no working pens in these headquarters?"] L muttered to himself, ignoring Light. (These sounds are accurate. In order for it to be as such, I actually stuffed a broken skewer from my kitchen [breaking off the sharp parts, of course] into my mouth, said these sentences with it in, and recorded what it sounded like [exaggerating the sounds slightly, I admit, but still rather accurate lol.)

"Um…he says, 'Are bears sound asleep and not hurting hens that have quarters?'" translated Matsuda. Light raised an eyebrow.

"_What? o_O"_

L groaned and turned to his computer, planning on bringing up Microsoft Word and typing what needed to be said.

…Only to discover something rather unfortunate and mysterious. Maybe even a little bit…_suspicious_, perhaps?

"Hy go inhk aye konkfewfer haff a heef-horf?" L cried, throwing his hands up briefly. "Hairk gid dit gofe?" ["Why doesn't my computer have a keyboard? Where did it go? ?" ]

Light looked to Matsuda for the translation. Matsuda thought for a moment, before saying, "Ryuzaki says, 'Why do zinc mites in pews here have a bee hoard? Where's the dildo? ?'" Matsuda turned and looked at Light with innocent eyes. "Light?" the officer asked sincerely. "What's a dildo?"

Light turned beat-red as he stared at Matsuda. "Y-you…don't know what a dildo is?" he questioned in disbelief.

Matsuda cocked his head to one side and guessed, "Is it some kind of food?"

"Erm…you can find out for yourself one day, Matsuda," Light replied, not wanting to be the one to taint Matsuda's innocent mind.

"When is 'one day,' Light?" Matsuda asked with pleading eyes.

"Um…one day…when you're older."

"…But…I'm older than you, Light."

Well, Matsuda _did_ have a point there.

L slammed his hand down on the desk, snapping everyone to attention. "Huys!" ["Guys!"]

"I think he just said 'Pies!'" Matsuda informed. He looked at L. "Would you like us to get you some pies?"

L glowered at him. "Eluck hee guckt hij hock shick ouv mif huff!" ["Help me get this chopstick out of my mouth!"]

Matsuda told Light, "Well, he either said, 'Help me get these sharp sticks out of my house,' or, 'Hello. Megan just chopped sticky owls this month.' I'm not sure which."

Light turned to L. "Which one is it?" he asked.

L glared at him. "Hut goo du hink?" ["What do _you _think?"]

Matsuda translated, "He asks, 'Who is your shrink?'"

Light raised an eyebrow. "I don't have a shrink."

"Maybe it has something to do with the hens," offered Matsuda.

"Maybe," Light agreed. "Ryuzaki, what hens?"

"Aye hedd fenns!" ["I said pens!"] the detective replied irritably.

"He says, 'Iced hens,'" Matsuda translated.

"You have iced hens? o_O"

"Nuff yufe ehiak!" ["No you idiot!"] L exclaimed.

"Ryuzaki says, 'No, you did.'"

Light cocked his head. "No I didn't. o_O"

L flailed, very frustrated. "Huss gek ve ga fen," ["Just get me a pen."] he said, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to calm himself.

"'Jugular met a hen?'" Matsuda said questioningly.

"Giff ve ong shek," ["Give me one sec."] he said with exaggerated patience.

"Um…Light?" Matsuda looked freaked out.

"What is it?" Light asked curiously, amused. He was rather enjoying this. He had impressed himself by being able to discard L's computer keyboard without anyone noticing. As for the pens…well, those actually _had _been the result of bad planning.

Or maybe it had been because of Matsuda using them all up when he had tried to cover his entire body in ink to win an argument he was having with L that someone covering their body in piercings was gross. How covering his body with ink would prove such a claim, Light had no clue. But he did know that Matsuda had run out of ink long before he was able to finish.

"Ryuzaki is asking for sex."

"_What?_"

Light knew that Matsuda was translating incorrectly, but he loved adding to L's frustrations by playing along with such miscommunications. But still. _What on earth…?_

"I have no idea!" Matsuda defended. "All I know is that Ryuzaki demanded, 'Give me some sex!'"

"You want sex?" Light clarified.

L flailed again, and dashed off down the hall. Raito was dragged along because of the handcuff. Matsuda ran after them.

"What the flying flamingo are you doing?" Light muttered.

"Flying flamingos?" Matsuda asked. "What?"

"Never mind…"

Raito considered the possibilities for a moment. "Perhaps he's going to retrieve some hens?" he reckoned. "Ryuzaki, where are we going? ? Tell us!"

L narrowed his eyes. "Uh hairunt hees ah hant wihhik guh hick ih-hide gee." ["Apparently I _can't_ with the chopstick inside me."]

"Ryuzaki says, 'My parents say I can't withhold your hot stick inside me,'" Matsuda informed.

"_What? !"_

"Gih hig gupps!" ["You screw-ups!"]

"Ryuzaki says, 'It's too large!'"

Light's eyes widened. With exasperation, L threw open the door to the basement, leapt through it, and slammed the door shut before Light could enter as well.

Noticing that there was a lock on the door, Light snapped the door locked.

A minute or so passed.

"Lahgoon!" ["Light-kun!"]

Light smirked. "Yes, Ryuzaki?"

"Alm hungah keel hoo." ["I'm gonna kill you."]

Light understood that. "You know, Ryuzaki, you shouldn't say such things so carelessly. You might just be accused of being _Kira, eh_?"

All of a sudden, Ryuzaki screamed, followed by a loud '_shink' _and a bang. "Hep! Wah grry havvenn ak!" ["Help! Watari has an axe!"]

"What's he saying?" Raito asked Matsuda.

"He says, 'Hello! Water is badass!'" Matsuda replied.

Light shrugged and called into the basement from behind the door, "I don't know why you think that, Ryuzaki. It's just water."

"Huck gegging ger!" ["Just get in here!"]

"Ryuzaki says, 'Justin Beiber!'"

"Why is he screaming about Justin Beiber?" Light wondered to himself. "Odd."

Suddenly, the two men were startled by the blade of an axe randomly slamming through the basement door.

"WTF!" Matsuda exclaimed, jumping away from the door.

"Whoa!" Light shouted in surprise. He was not expecting this.

"Ah kold goo!" ["I told you!"] Ryuzaki yelled.

"He says, 'I hold juice!'" Matsuda cried, scared for his life.

The door fell down as L kicked it. Light grabbed a random potato chip out of nowhere and chucked it at the axe-wielding Watari, causing Watari to go tumbling down the basement stairs.

L, Light, and Matsuda fled to the observation room. "Ank voog," ["Thank you"] L muttered.

Light looked to Matsuda for assistance. "'Hank's shoes?'" Matsuda guessed.

"_Whaaat?_"

Suddenly, without any prior warning whatsoever (And because the author finds this story too repetitive and boring to read), Dr. Phil randomly burst into the observation room and sat both L and Light down in chairs that had magically appeared.

"So," Dr. Phil began, "Light. It seems that you and your life partner are having some communication problems."

"_What? !_" L and Light cried in unison.

"Ryuzaki and I aren't life partners!"

However, Light's point didn't seem to get across to the former psychologist before him. "Good communication is always very important in a relationship," Dr. Phil continued.

"He has a chopstick stuck in his mouth!" Light exclaimed.

Dr. Phil continued attempting to help, but to no avail.

"If only he were a medical doctor who could extract the chopstick," Light muttered to Matsuda.

"Dr. Phil isn't a real doctor?" Matsuda asked, confused.

"…"

"Ee huh-hong agger," ["It doesn't matter"] L sighed.

"'It's the Mad Hatter,'" said Matsuda.

Light raised an eyebrow. "That makes no sense. Surely he didn't say that."

"Maybe not," Matsuda responded quickly with a slight shrug, "but I mean—It really _is _the Mad Hatter!" With terror-filled eyes, Matsuda pointed in the direction behind Raito, L, and Dr. Phil.

"Huh…?" Light breathed. All three men turned around to see a man with orange hair, a white face, and a giant green hat.

"Oh my god! It _is _the Mad Hatter!" Light was astonished.

"No…" the man in the green hat replied, "I'm Johnny Depp!"

"OOH IT'S JACK SPARROW!" Dr. Phil exclaimed.

Johnny Depp and Dr. Phil then both skipped away.

The world may never know where they went or what they did, but I'm not convinced that isn't a good thing.

Suddenly, Misa burst out of the basement and ran straight to Light. "Light!" she shrieked, "Watari is in the basement and he's got an axe!"

"What were you doing in the basement, Misa? o_ O" Raito wanted to know.

"I…I was watching you, Light! ^ ^" was her reply.

Ignoring how creeped out he was, Light asked, "What made you think that you would be able to watch me…from the _basement_?"

"Oh, because Justin Beiber told me so." As if it were obvious.

"Justin Beiber's here?"

Misa nodded.

"Please tell me Watari hit him with an axe…" Matsuda begged.

"Nope. In fact, he's right behind you."

Sure enough, Justin Beiber stood behind them all.

"I'm here because I want Misa for myself," Justin said to L. "I'm afraid she will no longer be your girlfriend, because she will be mine."

Before L could even protest that it was not him but instead _Light _who was dating Misa, Justin—quite unexpectedly—bitch-slapped the detective.

This caused the chopstick to pop out of his mouth. Despite this being a good thing, L was not pleased about being bitch-slapped.

L grabbed Justin and dragged him to the roof. He pushed him off the edge. Both L and Light stared down at the ground below them.

As it were…

The two men faced each other, solemn looks on their faces. "Well, it looks like this is the end," one of the men—Light—said.

"So it would seem," the detective replied.

"In that case…Let us disperse."

Well, _that _took a while. I know it sucked, but I just felt like writing it. xP Remember to tell me if you want a story advertised, or at least what you think of the idea. Please!

Again, I will be updating the Contest of Deep Dark Secrets as soon as I can. 

Review! Thanks for reading!


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